Is your perfectionism harming your child's self-esteem?

I’ve been preparing a new workshop for the Manitoba Eating Disorder Prevention & Recovery Program on the topic of perfectionism.  The need to be seen as ‘perfect’ is linked to anxiety, poor body image, anger and shame in adults.  My workshop goal is to encourage our clients to overcome perfectionism in order to experience more joy and satisfaction from their achievements and relationships.

While reading and reflecting on perfectionism I was reminded of a mom I met a few years ago in another workshop.  I remember she was worried that she had put too much pressure on her daughter to do well at school, due to her own tendency to strive for perfection.  She noted that her daughter’s self-esteem seemed to suffer as a result and her interest in academics was slipping.
 
If you are a parent who also struggles with perfectionism - here are my thoughts on starting fresh with your kids for the school year ahead. 

Photo by Flickr Photographer: N.D. Strupler

Children's academic success is partially determined by the kind of expectations their parents set. Realistic expectations encourage kids to aim higher, without pushing them beyond their capabilities. Standards that are too high or seem unreachable can reduce their sense of competence.

When a child brings home a test with an A and is questioned on why it wasn't an A+, the message is that she is not good enough unless she never makes a mistake.  Part of learning and growth is making mistakes.  One problem with expecting perfection is that perfection is almost impossible to achieve.  Kids who strive for perfection may resist trying new things because they won't risk making mistakes.  Sometimes perfectionism actually causes homework or projects to pile up because of the feeling that it is never quite done, or will never be judged good enough.  Adult perfectionists often struggle with a significant amount of procrastination that hampers their achievements later in life.

It is important to consider what is developmentally appropriate for your child’s age but only as a guideline.  There may be areas where your son is advanced or behind what those guidelines would have you expect.  Start with where he is at and set goals together that reflect his desires and interests as well as your parental expectations.  If your daughter is already an excellent student, instead of pushing for even higher achievement, maybe it is time to help her grow in other ways such as new responsibilities at home or trying out for a team sport.

Striving for excellence instead of perfection has better results and makes room for growth. Start fresh this year with a heart to heart talk about how your child felt last school year and what each of you would like to be different this year. Encourage your kids to do their best and let them know you trust them to live up to that expectation.

Being Real is Really Beautiful

Several years ago I was asked to write an editorial responding to the question “How do you feel attractive as you age?”  It was an interesting question as I wasn’t quite “there” yet in terms of seeing myself as aging.  And while I am intimately acquainted with my hair stylist and I like a new outfit as much as anyone else, I am pretty busy and preoccupied with other pursuits that don’t leave much time or interest for the relentless pursuit of beauty and youth.

However, a number of recent conversations have had me thinking about how important it is to still value our appearance and recognize our own outward attractiveness and worth even  as we age.  Women over forty are almost invisible in the popular culture.  The ones we see most often have had collagen injections, botox or cosmetic surgeries in order to hide the normal process of aging.  

I am pretty comfortable with getting older (because, really, what is the alternative?!)  However,  I seem to offend some of my peers and even my mother when I refer to myself as “mid life” although I see no shame in it.  In my 47^th year,  I do see myself as “in the middle” of my life..  that is if all goes very well and I live in to my nineties.   I can fully appreciate though, this resistance to aging.  If aging means disappearing from view and no longer being valued for your contributions to society.   This week I saw a new anti-aging cream directly marketed “to women over 20”.  Seriously.   So in protest to the anti-aging industry and in support of beautiful mid life and older women everywhere..  I offer you this article, edited slightly from the original published by the Dove Self-Esteem Fund in 2009 and no longer available.

Finding Beauty in the Imperfections

My house is over a century old and despite some labor-intensive face-lifts, it is showing its age. There are cracks on the living room ceiling and it is almost impossible to nail something on the wall without creating a 4-inch gaping hole revealing horsehair and crumbling plaster inside. This house constantly needs care and maintenance – everything from new plumbing to new wires – but it is, without a doubt, beautiful.

Like my charming house, I believe it is the imperfect but natural beauty that makes a person unique and interesting. Many women only become of aware of their own true beauty with age. Friends often tell me that they finally began to feel attractive only in their 30s or 40s. Do we feel more beautiful as we age because our definition of beauty changes? Or are we finally more comfortable with our own imperfections? I think it’s a little of both.

Of course that doesn’t mean mid-life and older women don’t have appearance pressures of our own! We are expected to be thin and work at weight loss into our later years despite our body’s natural tendency to gain weight in order to protect our bones after menopause; we are expected to maintain shiny white teeth despite decades of dinner dates over red wine and hundreds of Sunday brunches with coffee; and we are expected to color, cover, and contour ourselves into eternal youth despite the completely normal and unglamorous process of aging.

my sister Lynn Crowder - this is what beauty looks like

The good news is that despite these pressures, most of the mid-life women I know, while still relatively interested in their external appearance, are no longer consumed by it. For many of us, our lives are like my old house, made beautiful with the riches of love, laughter and creativity. Instead of focusing solely on outward appearances, it’s about the love and energy emanating from inside that shows our true beauty.

In my work and in my life in general, I am surrounded by many pretty girls. Often, these girls are catwalk-thin with wrinkle-free skin, wearing the latest body-conscious fashions. They have shiny highlights, chemically whitened teeth, faux tans, carefully straightened hair and are waxed free of body hair in places that my generation never thought about. These girls are growing up in a generation of beauty pressures and prescribed solutions that surpass anything I experienced at their age. And unlike my bra-burning role models, many of today’s young women don’t seem interested in resisting these pressures.

As a mid-life woman, I could easily feel threatened by them but most of these gorgeous girls simply have no idea of the beauty they possess. Despite their tremendous efforts to achieve this youth-fueled perfection, I can see that they still often feel unloved or unworthy. They are frightened of weight gain, they believe they are unattractive, they focus on imperceptible details of their appearance. I have known girls who spent an entire year obsessed about the shape of their cheekbones, or tormented by how their pants clung the wrong way to their hips. The carefree beauty of youth is lost on them as they struggle against low self-esteem and the culturally-driven illusion that appearance is everything.

The most interesting women I know are those who have made peace with their appearance as they’ve grown older. There is a certain grace about embracing the now that comes with age, regardless of how you look. Beauty is no longer tied so closely with the physical, especially when time takes it out of your control. I have people in my life that are grappling with debilitating arthritis, battling progressive neurological illnesses and fighting cancer. Yet, to me, their strength, courage, determination and spirit make them so much more beautiful than any airbrushed supermodel. Facing adversity or reaping the riches of a life well lived remind us of what really counts and, more importantly, what’s real.

One of my favorite pictures of myself was taken on a beach when my hair was windblown and I wasn’t wearing any make-up. I was completely unaware of the camera and was smiling up at the kite I was flying with my daughter. In one fleeting moment the photographer captured my sense of joy, relaxation and concentration. It was real. I look beautiful because I am completely engaged with life.  Now, when I feel stressed or am lacking confidence, I shut my eyes for a moment and try to remember the kite-flying feeling. This makes me feel instantly capable no matter what I look like that day.

How do I plan to hold on to this confidence as I move into my 50s and 60s? My body and my face are like my beautiful old house. Time will continue to slowly reveal the flaws and I will require upkeep and maintenance to stay healthy and vibrant. Maintaining good nutrition, getting enough sleep and staying active while respecting my body’s decreasing abilities is a practical start.  But it is the laughter, the creativity, and the optimistic quality of my life that will determine my real beauty as I age.

8 Tips for Nurturing Your Own Self-Esteem

Self-esteem begins in childhood.  We learn that we are worthy and how to love ourselves through the actions and the words of those around us.  Early self-esteem theory, developed by psychologist Charles Cooley 110 years ago, places this responsibility squarely on the shoulders of parents.  I  believe that, today, the influences come from everywhere.  

Children are exposed to media messaging at a very young age.  Gender-expression expectations are presented early and often in every clothing and toy store and by almost every television show and commercial. Numerous caregivers and other external influences are a part of our children’s lives from a very young age.

Healthy self-esteem depends on getting consistent messages that one is worthy, capable and loveable.  This includes being allowed to be who we inherently are… regardless of gender expression, sexual orientation, introversion or extroversion, being bookish or sporty... without judgment or shaming.  

Self-esteem flourishes when we are taught skills to cope with life’s everyday problems like conflict and communication or we know how to express our emotions effectively.   We need to be able to try things out and to make mistakes as an opportunity for growth. 

When parents or teachers correct a child,  they point out the mistake and support him to make a better choice or try a different tactic next time.  Ideally we don’t shame him for trying or for getting it wrong; children should learn that that everyone makes mistakes but is still worthy of love and appreciation.

As adults we have to take that responsibility on for ourselves.  If we didn’t get what we needed in the past – it is not too late to give it to ourselves today.

Here are some tips to get started:

• Find a picture of yourself as a child and write that child a letter.  What did she or he need to hear?  Can you give her those messages today?  Post the picture somewhere to remind you that the child inside needs ongoing nurturing.
• Notice your self-talk.  Is it unkind or untrue?  Do you use words like “stupid” “ugly” or “loser” in your daily dialogue with yourself? .  Practice interrupting your negative self-talk and replacing it with something gentler. Begin to speak with kindness as if you were someone you loved.  
• Seek counselling or a support group to learn more about self-esteem and why you may be struggling with yours.  If you have a history of trauma or abuse, you can not heal your broken sense of self alone and you deserve the help of a caring professional.  
• Let go of perfectionism.  Striving to be perfect makes us lonely and adds unnecessary stress to daily life.   When you need to be perfect it is awfully hard to try something new and is likely to lead to procrastination or constant dissatisfaction no matter how hard you work at something.   I recommend reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
• Make a list of things you are reasonably good at.  It can include skills like fixing your bike, ironing a pair of pants or presenting a legal brief. It might include being a supportive friend, a witty conversationalist or a generous volunteer.   Start with 10 things you are reasonably good at and try to add a few things each week to your list. 
•   Stop filtering out the positive and only hearing  the negative.  A close friend of mine calls this her “amnesia for success”.  At one time she could rattle off a list of her mistakes, disappointments and paths not taken but she was hard pressed to tell you any of her amazing achievements or recognize their value next to the achievements of someone else.   If you complete a project at work and you have two negative critiques and eight positive ones, do you go home and dwell on the negative? Do you find yourself going over and over what you should have done differently?   Do you manage to convince yourself that your project failed and that everyone knows it?  It is time to give fair and equal airtime to the positive feedback and instead of getting hung up in self-doubt, use the gift of the negative feedback to improve your work next time.   Consider keeping a running list of every compliment or positive feedback you are given. 
• Pursue new interests and passions.  What used to rock your world when you were a kid?  What might your passion be today? If you could add one thing to your life what would it be? As adults we cite time constraints, responsibilities, money and many other blocks to the idea of pursuing what we love. I am not suggesting you quit your day job to follow your dream but simply start building in an hour or two a week doing something that engages you at the core and makes you truly happy  
• Keep a gratitude journal (with a nod to Oprah who I think originally came up with this idea).  It works for me!   Jot down a few things each day that you are grateful for in your life – big things and little ones.  Your list might include café lattes, a trustworthy hairstylist, the good health of your children,  mobility, the internet, your best friend, a movie that made you laugh out loud.  Be sure to include things about yourself on the list.  I am grateful for my ability to support a friend in crisis, my welcoming smile, big feet, and my optimistic nature.   While cultivating a daily attitude of gratitude it is harder to find time for negative thoughts and you may begin to see your worth in a new light.