Help Your Daughter Navigate Social Cliques

Does your daughter want to hang out in the popular crowd at school but then act like she loathes them at the same time?

YA novels, TV shows and movies glamorize rather than stigmatize the idea of cliques. In fact, in these shows, the most popular girl may be the least likeable by grown-up standards. Years ago when my friend had a daughter in middle school, she noticed that the meaning of the word popular had changed over the decades since we were in school. Popular used to mean the girl that had a lot of real friends and that everyone liked. Today popular may mean something more like the most influential girl, or the most powerful girl in the group but she also may be the most feared, rather than the most likeable one.

Photo by Karin Vlietstra at zalouk webdeesign

The message to girls is that if they are not going to be in the popular group than they had better be vocal about hating the popular group and show that they are too cool to care. 

This isn't a new idea. Remember the distinct stereotypes played out in The Breakfast Club in 1985? While the boys admired and feared Claire (preppy, rich Molly Ringwald), the other female character, Allison (wounded, angry Ally Sheedy) went out of her way to be a little odder, a little angrier, a little more outrageous than she really was in order to make it clear she had no desire to be like Claire or to be her friend. However, the truth was that each character craved connection and friendship and each one was fraught with worry that he or she was the real outcast.

Real life is not a movie but maybe that is a good starting point to have a conversation with your daughter. You could have a retro movie night and discuss the ideas in the Breakfast Club or in the movie Mean Girls [PG alert: Common Sense Media suggests that themes in both movies aren't appropriate for those under 14].  A more modern and even more exaggerated version of school cliques is found in the TV show Glee.  Help her analyze where fiction and real life are similar and where they are different.

Discussion points:

• What are the cliques she sees at her school? 
• What roles do people play? 
• What are the social rules from her perspective? 
• Where does she fit in?
• What does she wish was different?

Everyone needs friends. Having a group to hang with and feel a part of is something that most people enjoy.  Unfortunately too many girls are learning to build themselves up and bond over putting others down.  Help your daughter find a group to bond with over shared interests instead.  Drama club? Math club?  The soccer team?  All of these give the opportunity to become part of a group, learn communication skills and get to know new friends.

Talk to your daughter about real friendships and what they feel like.  Does she recall a time when she was friends with someone and it just felt right? These are usually the friendships where girls can say what they think, dress how they want and be completely themselves. 

At my house we frequently rely on books to help us address complicated issues. These are some of my favourites on this subject:

• A Smart Girl's Guide: Friendship Troubles: Dealing with fights, being left out & the whole popularity thing  (for girls ages 8-12)

• Cliques: Deal with it using what you have inside  (for girls & boys ages 9-13)

• Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World   (for parents)

Elements of this blog post first appeared in my 
Ask Lisa column for the Dove Self-Esteem Fund 

Dear Phys Ed Teacher...

My daughter is one of dozens of new middle school students just experiencing their first taste of a big new world beyond the elementary schools in their community. For my daughter it is the very first time she has to "dress" for gym. She has been excited to learn new skills and try sports that weren't available at her previous school. I'm so happy for her that she is still confident in her body and in it's abilities.

I was excited to hear all about her first gym class today until this is what I heard…

She told me how glad she was that she wasn't the one who jokingly got called a "loser" more than once during the class. She is certain that the boy involved "didn't mind" and that he was maybe "encouraging it" but she was just as happy that it wasn't her that was at the receiving end of that nickname from the teacher.

Then she told me how glad she was that it wasn't her that the teacher pointed to as an example of "what not to wear" for gym class. That girl "turned bright red" and "seemed really embarrassed" because the teacher pointed out that her bra straps were showing and used her outfit as an example of what is not appropriate to wear.  Next the teacher told all the girls that "you can't have your boobs hanging out because it is a distraction for the boys."

I don't know if those were the precise words used since I wasn't in the room... but those were the words my daughter heard and brought home to her parents.  She also noticed another girl who was more developed than all the rest in the room, start tugging her T-shirt higher at the neckline and look uncomfortable with the attention that had just been placed on all the "boobs" in the room.

This is what we talked about at home that night:

• Sometimes bra straps show and it is not a crime or anything to be ashamed of. Showing them off shouldn't be the point of the outfit but if it happens - it isn't worth being stressed out over. 

• Girl's are never ever responsible for boy's thoughts or behaviours - no matter how they dress.

• Sometimes boys will be distracted by girls and sometimes girls will be distracted by boys.  Girl's bodies are not actually ever a "problem". 

• Some girls are much more developed than others and it can be really hard to feel like all anyone notices about you is your breasts. It must be especially hard to be the girl whose breasts were the centre of attention and referred to as a "distraction" in front of both boys and girls.

• Even if you hear an adult do it - it is never okay to call people losers or other demeaning names. 

Having worked as a counsellor with youth who often struggle with negative body image & self-esteem, I know that gym class is notorious for being a difficult experience for some kids. This is particularly true for those who don't feel skilled or athletic and those who feel uncomfortable in their bodies for a wide variety of reasons.

I'm certain that you want to make your classes body-friendly environments where girls and boys can have the confidence to try new things, take healthy risks in order to learn and grow and feel safe under your leadership. With that goal in mind, please consider addressing the subject of appropriate clothing for gym class in a different way.

Here are some suggestions:

• You could tell the kids that gym clothes should be comfortable, not too tight and allow room for moving and breathing freely.

• If you require their shorts to be a certain length or their neckline to reach a certain height - say so. You can do that without centering anyone out or telling anyone that his or her body is a problem in any way. 

• If you have genuine concern about a girl not being dressed appropriately by school dress code standards - please speak to her privately.  It is possible to do this in a gentle constructive way and use the opportunity to build your relationship with her; she may be a girl who needs a reliable adult to talk to at some point. 

• It would also be helpful to include your gym class dress code guidelines on the school supplies list that is provided to families weeks before school starts. Parents are still the ones supplying and/or approving the clothing worn by most 11 and 12 year old children.

• Finally, please don't call children losers - even as a "joke" - even if they are playing along. You are a role model and you have the awesome opportunity to work with kids in ways that build their self-esteem and create a positive learning environment for everyone. Make the most of it! 

Sincerely, a concerned mom.

Pre-teens, Cell Phones & Planning for Success

I’ve been away from blogging for a few months.  While trying to figure out my priorities and better balance work,  family and leisure time,  I've been  wondering where blogging fits in.  Maybe it is the sheer volume of blogs in my own Facebook & Twitter feed but I sometimes think there are just too many blogs in the world!  Then I started questioning if  I really have anything fresh and original to say about anything.  Is there really one more thing to be written about the VMA's?

No,  probably not… but I enjoy the process of writing and it helps me to work through some of the parenting challenges I face every day.   So I’m giving this another shot.  Despite Miley and her recent soul-sucking performance and many other more important world issues, today I'm blogging about the three things dominating the conversations at my house this week:  new school, city buses and cell phones.

Next week my daughter heads off to a new school – taking three city buses each way.  It is actually a short drive but a crazy bus route in a city that has two rivers running through it and a transit system that was poorly designed.    These two facts (new school, city buses) have led us to get her a cell phone.   I’m the parent who always answered that particular plea with “when you are at least 16 and you make enough money to pay the bill”.    And then this summer we stepped back and said .." uh oh ... maybe we need her to have a cell phone..."   I haven’t spotted a single phone booth on that school route.  There are going to be missed connections.  Sometimes the temps reach -40C in the winter.  There will  be after school clubs and the need to find a way to pick her up after special events.   How will we manage to stay in touch without a cell phone?

Some of my readers will be rolling your eyes at my worries... your kids were sporting iPhones in second grade.  You may be thinking I worry too much or am just out of touch with youth culture.   And I’m going to guess that if you are judging me harshly that you probably didn’t grow up with a rotary dial phone that shared a phone line with your grandparents house next door! (Really... I knew that it was possible that Grandma could be listening in on every word!)

Photo Credit: Christopher Brown

Why would we be worried?   Recently a friend found “sexting” messages on her 13 year old daughter’s phone.  Another friend has a child whose ADHD and impulse control issues have been wildly exacerbated  over the years by her need to respond to every message the instant it arrives.  Families have faced hundreds of dollars in unexpected cell phone charges and one girl I know has plunged into both a  swimming pool and a hot tub while holding her cell phone – on two separate occasions.   Then there is the whole, well documented, issue of kids being incredibly short on sleep in this generation...  attributed primarily to computers and cell phones in their bedroom.

Our parental “need” to be in contact ultimately overruled the worries so I thought I would share a bit about the approach we took in order to make this a successful experience.

My daughter came to the store so that she could be a part of the process and see that signing a contract is serious business (and that there is more to owning a cell phone than friends, photos and hot pink phone cases!)   While we opted not to have a data plan at this time we opted in to an unlimited text plan.   It may be inconceivable to me that some teenagers send several thousand a month...  but I've seen the sticker shock on parent's faces who made the mistake of a limited text plan and then received the first bill.

At home we have a contract of our own.  It is two pages long and outlines her responsibilities as well as ours.  These agreements will be different for each family but I recommend putting something down on paper and being very clear who actually owns the phone (we do!) and who sets the boundaries for it’s use (we do!).   We have limits around time of day it can be used and it will never ever stay in her bedroom when it is time for lights out.  She is responsible to keep it charged and be available to us when we want to reach her. 

We've also been working on communication skills and what is appropriate to say or share on one's phone.  This includes actually practicing with us how to politely exit a difficult conversation.  She has been learning to take a deep breath and wait until seeing that friend “in person” before responding to what may have felt like a hurtful remark or insult.    We’ve discussed what kinds of photos are okay to take and send and what ones can ruin your life or that of someone else.   

She is also being billed by us once a month for a portion of her cell phone fees.  We hope that this will begin to teach her about those kinds of financial responsibilities and to treat her property with respect.

Am I still worried?   Yes but I’ve begun to see this like the bus route to her new school...  it is simply a new path to navigate.   Just as we have practiced the route, learned where to cross the roads and get the next connection and how to ask for help if needed …  we are also teaching her how to navigate in a world that is more and more dominated by texting and instant messaging.   This is one more growing-up path to navigate and hopefully we’ve provided the right map to help her do it safely and without too many bumps along the way.