Help Your Daughter Navigate Social Cliques

Does your daughter want to hang out in the popular crowd at school but then act like she loathes them at the same time?

YA novels, TV shows and movies glamorize rather than stigmatize the idea of cliques. In fact, in these shows, the most popular girl may be the least likeable by grown-up standards. Years ago when my friend had a daughter in middle school, she noticed that the meaning of the word popular had changed over the decades since we were in school. Popular used to mean the girl that had a lot of real friends and that everyone liked. Today popular may mean something more like the most influential girl, or the most powerful girl in the group but she also may be the most feared, rather than the most likeable one.

Photo by Karin Vlietstra at zalouk webdeesign

The message to girls is that if they are not going to be in the popular group than they had better be vocal about hating the popular group and show that they are too cool to care. 

This isn't a new idea. Remember the distinct stereotypes played out in The Breakfast Club in 1985? While the boys admired and feared Claire (preppy, rich Molly Ringwald), the other female character, Allison (wounded, angry Ally Sheedy) went out of her way to be a little odder, a little angrier, a little more outrageous than she really was in order to make it clear she had no desire to be like Claire or to be her friend. However, the truth was that each character craved connection and friendship and each one was fraught with worry that he or she was the real outcast.

Real life is not a movie but maybe that is a good starting point to have a conversation with your daughter. You could have a retro movie night and discuss the ideas in the Breakfast Club or in the movie Mean Girls [PG alert: Common Sense Media suggests that themes in both movies aren't appropriate for those under 14].  A more modern and even more exaggerated version of school cliques is found in the TV show Glee.  Help her analyze where fiction and real life are similar and where they are different.

Discussion points:

• What are the cliques she sees at her school? 
• What roles do people play? 
• What are the social rules from her perspective? 
• Where does she fit in?
• What does she wish was different?

Everyone needs friends. Having a group to hang with and feel a part of is something that most people enjoy.  Unfortunately too many girls are learning to build themselves up and bond over putting others down.  Help your daughter find a group to bond with over shared interests instead.  Drama club? Math club?  The soccer team?  All of these give the opportunity to become part of a group, learn communication skills and get to know new friends.

Talk to your daughter about real friendships and what they feel like.  Does she recall a time when she was friends with someone and it just felt right? These are usually the friendships where girls can say what they think, dress how they want and be completely themselves. 

At my house we frequently rely on books to help us address complicated issues. These are some of my favourites on this subject:

• A Smart Girl's Guide: Friendship Troubles: Dealing with fights, being left out & the whole popularity thing  (for girls ages 8-12)

• Cliques: Deal with it using what you have inside  (for girls & boys ages 9-13)

• Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World   (for parents)

Elements of this blog post first appeared in my 
Ask Lisa column for the Dove Self-Esteem Fund 

Help Your Daughter Cope When She is Left Out

Next week my daughter returns to school to start the home stretch of finishing sixth grade. Where we live, this is the end of elementary school and she will transition to a junior high or middle school.

I know the next six months will fly by. She will be prepping for Softball Season - yes, this is an official season at our house - and she will be making plans for grade six camp in June. We have decisions to make about schools and applications to submit.  Before long, I will be standing in the mall vetoing potential “grad” outfits. In the meantime, I’ve been paying a lot of attention to the girl dynamics, friendship groups, and cliques that are becoming a more visible part of my daughter’s life. I know that many changes are ahead.  She has had the privilege of having a consistent, reliable, local friendship group for many years but everything will be different next fall.

My friends talk about the girl drama that goes on among their daughter’s friends. Who is “in” or “out” seems to change week to week and parents find their daughter coming home in tears over some real or imagined exclusion that may not be easily resolved.

Most of us experienced the power and complexity of cliques in middle school or high school but it can be shocking to watch these same dramas unfolding for much younger girls today. Social networking also adds another layer to experiences of inclusion and exclusion.  

Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography
 Creative Common License

Acceptance by a group is important to everyone, but some degree of exclusion is also normal at times; it is critical that children develop resilience and ways to cope with these exclusions . How girls handle these shifting group dynamics can be influenced by parents and other trusted adults. 
                                  
No matter how many friends she has, there will be a birthday party she is not invited to or a day when she feels all alone at school. I prepared some tips a few years back for my Dove Self-Esteem Fund Ask Lisa Column… and they feel more timely than ever to me now so I’ve adapted and added to them here.
 

Tips to help her cope with exclusion

• Acknowledge her sadness, disappointment and feelings of loss. Her feelings matter and her peer group is not a trivial part of her life.. some days it may feel like the most important part.  
• Explain that friendships ebb and flow over time and that occasional rejection is a normal part of life. Perhaps you can share stories of friendships that changed for you over time. 
• Help her notice her own growth and changing interests.  When kids are little they play with who is there... friends are whoever sits near them in the classroom, or the child next door.  However, as they grow they began to develop their own interests and attractions to specific personalities.  Just as some of her old friends may be making different friendship choices today, she too likely has been drawn to new people and that is a normal part of development that she may need help to recognize and appreciate.  
• Exclusion from an event may have no meanness or ill intent attached to it... kids are generally given limits for numbers of friends to include or are starting to pay more attention to the group dynamic as a whole and issuing invitations that take that in to account rather than inviting everyone they think of as a friend.  Help your daughter remember when she had to make similar tough choices. 
• If she is left out of a birthday party or other big group activity, help her make her own fun with a different friend who is also not included. This is an important act of self-care and helps her develop a coping skill for the future.  She certainly doesn't have to stay home alone feeling like she is missing out!
• Diversify her friendship groups. This can offer a safety net so that one group is not “all or nothing” in her world. Her sense of belonging will increase through friendships formed at camps, church,  school clubs, sports teams or through her other interests such as Girl Guides or a local knitting or biking club. 
• Teach your child to be a self-esteem role model. If she demonstrates empathy, respect and loyalty she may influence the dynamics of her social group. 
• Be a good role model yourself. Gossip and put-downs are just as harmful when you're an adult, and children learn what is acceptable by observing your relationships with others.  They also notice if you know how to have fun on your own and can choose widely from different friends with different interests. 
• If cliques or exclusion are a serious problem, become an advocate and work with other families and school personnel to initiate solutions.