Where I've been and where I am going

A lot has happened in my life in the past few months.   About the time of the last post (five months ago!)  I was finalizing my decision to run in the next civic election, hoping to win a seat as a School Board trustee.  Instead of blogging I’ve been learning;  Learning more about the schools in my division, learning about the needs of students and families in the communities of that division, and learning how a School Board works and what it does. I’ve been having coffee with local politicians and learning how to introduce myself to strangers at the bus stop.   In every way I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone and enjoying this new adventure. 

After almost 25 years working in social services, 22 of those providing counselling services to youth and more recently to adults, I am ready for something new. I don’t plan to resign from my position working in an eating disorder treatment program... but I do plan to decrease my hours while I grow into this new (part time) role, assuming I am elected and have the opportunity to serve my community in this way. 

On this blog I have mostly written about how we, as women, can love ourselves, appreciate our own worth and model that for our daughters. I’ve written about teaching girls to love themselves and feel good in their bodies. But I’ve been writing from a place of assumption that people reading my blog have the basics down. I’ve assumed that you love your children and want the best for them. I’ve assumed that you and I both want our children of all genders to grow up strong, proud, comfortable in their own skin and safe in the world.  I've assumed that you had choices and resources. 

Over the past few months I have written a few posts that are still waiting to be published.. one on bra shopping with your pre-teen, something on the pressures of Grad night (or Prom night depending on your region of the country) and another on the difference between low self-esteem and depression. 

I haven't published these posts yet because I have been trying to sort out where blogging fits into my life now that I am trying to figure out how to be a public figure in a new way.  I’ve wondered if my passionate positioning might turn voters off and questioned the optics of giving advice to other parents while hoping to assume an important role in municipal governance.  I’m not there yet...  I haven’t fully decided what my campaign means for the future of this blog but I do know that there is something I really do need to write about and it is too important to worry about if my comments will be well received.

This is the topic of sexually exploited children. Early in my career when I first worked with pre-teen and teenage girls - almost all of them had experienced some degree of trauma – some form of physical or sexual abuse.  Some had been street involved and others had traded sex for clothes, food, shelter and sometimes drugs.  Nearly 100% of the adolescents I encountered had been victimized in some way.  This gave me a skewed perspective; I was almost consumed by the rage and the passion that I felt in those years.  

Since moving across the country 15 years ago, I have worked much less with sexually exploited youth and instead have worked with a broader cross section of adolescents with a vast array of experiences.  I’ve worked with the very privileged and the very impoverished.  I’ve worked with girls from incredibly supportive and protective families and occasionally girls who were casually exploited by the ones who are supposed to love them best.  My counselling work became very generalized.  I still knew how to help a client cope with a traumatic event like a sexual assault or a death in the family but I could also help a girl who had boyfriend troubles, body image worries or generalized anxiety that made it difficult for her to focus at school or make friends.  I have since moved on to working almost exclusively with adults who experience eating disorders. 

The interesting thing is that in this pursuit of the role of  Trustee, I have recently found myself back at my roots and my early passion.  Recently I attended All Children Matter: Protecting Sacred Lives Forum which was focused on the sexual exploitation of youth in our city and in particular the experiences of Aboriginal children and youth.  

Sexual exploitation is a world wide problem, rooted in an inherent lack of equality for women and children.  I've been told that in Canada, the average age that children first enter the so-called sex trade is 12 or 13.  At that forum I heard stories from youth who had managed to leave the trade as young adults, after much of their childhood was lost to exploitation - these were perhaps two of the bravest youth I have ever had the privilege to listen to.   In my city, it is primarily Aboriginal children and women  who are impacted by sexual exploitation and these reasons are deeply embedded in our country’s history of colonization and it’s subsequent cycles of generational poverty and hopelessness.  

I’m learning all I can about my responsibility to the children of this city and I am certain there is an even stronger role that schools can play in reducing victimization and promoting self-esteem, self-worth and pride in children of all backgrounds and in particular the children of this country’s First Nations. 

The words that stay with me most from the Sacred Lives Forum was a simple statement spoken by one of the hosts of the event: 

If your life has never been touched by sexual exploitation - be grateful; For you are privileged.

In her world, a life free of sexual exploitation is rare. I am passionate about changing this outcome and helping create a world in which all children, truly, DO matter.

Dear Phys Ed Teacher...

My daughter is one of dozens of new middle school students just experiencing their first taste of a big new world beyond the elementary schools in their community. For my daughter it is the very first time she has to "dress" for gym. She has been excited to learn new skills and try sports that weren't available at her previous school. I'm so happy for her that she is still confident in her body and in it's abilities.

I was excited to hear all about her first gym class today until this is what I heard…

She told me how glad she was that she wasn't the one who jokingly got called a "loser" more than once during the class. She is certain that the boy involved "didn't mind" and that he was maybe "encouraging it" but she was just as happy that it wasn't her that was at the receiving end of that nickname from the teacher.

Then she told me how glad she was that it wasn't her that the teacher pointed to as an example of "what not to wear" for gym class. That girl "turned bright red" and "seemed really embarrassed" because the teacher pointed out that her bra straps were showing and used her outfit as an example of what is not appropriate to wear.  Next the teacher told all the girls that "you can't have your boobs hanging out because it is a distraction for the boys."

I don't know if those were the precise words used since I wasn't in the room... but those were the words my daughter heard and brought home to her parents.  She also noticed another girl who was more developed than all the rest in the room, start tugging her T-shirt higher at the neckline and look uncomfortable with the attention that had just been placed on all the "boobs" in the room.

This is what we talked about at home that night:

• Sometimes bra straps show and it is not a crime or anything to be ashamed of. Showing them off shouldn't be the point of the outfit but if it happens - it isn't worth being stressed out over. 

• Girl's are never ever responsible for boy's thoughts or behaviours - no matter how they dress.

• Sometimes boys will be distracted by girls and sometimes girls will be distracted by boys.  Girl's bodies are not actually ever a "problem". 

• Some girls are much more developed than others and it can be really hard to feel like all anyone notices about you is your breasts. It must be especially hard to be the girl whose breasts were the centre of attention and referred to as a "distraction" in front of both boys and girls.

• Even if you hear an adult do it - it is never okay to call people losers or other demeaning names. 

Having worked as a counsellor with youth who often struggle with negative body image & self-esteem, I know that gym class is notorious for being a difficult experience for some kids. This is particularly true for those who don't feel skilled or athletic and those who feel uncomfortable in their bodies for a wide variety of reasons.

I'm certain that you want to make your classes body-friendly environments where girls and boys can have the confidence to try new things, take healthy risks in order to learn and grow and feel safe under your leadership. With that goal in mind, please consider addressing the subject of appropriate clothing for gym class in a different way.

Here are some suggestions:

• You could tell the kids that gym clothes should be comfortable, not too tight and allow room for moving and breathing freely.

• If you require their shorts to be a certain length or their neckline to reach a certain height - say so. You can do that without centering anyone out or telling anyone that his or her body is a problem in any way. 

• If you have genuine concern about a girl not being dressed appropriately by school dress code standards - please speak to her privately.  It is possible to do this in a gentle constructive way and use the opportunity to build your relationship with her; she may be a girl who needs a reliable adult to talk to at some point. 

• It would also be helpful to include your gym class dress code guidelines on the school supplies list that is provided to families weeks before school starts. Parents are still the ones supplying and/or approving the clothing worn by most 11 and 12 year old children.

• Finally, please don't call children losers - even as a "joke" - even if they are playing along. You are a role model and you have the awesome opportunity to work with kids in ways that build their self-esteem and create a positive learning environment for everyone. Make the most of it! 

Sincerely, a concerned mom.

Help Your Daughter Cope When She is Left Out

Next week my daughter returns to school to start the home stretch of finishing sixth grade. Where we live, this is the end of elementary school and she will transition to a junior high or middle school.

I know the next six months will fly by. She will be prepping for Softball Season - yes, this is an official season at our house - and she will be making plans for grade six camp in June. We have decisions to make about schools and applications to submit.  Before long, I will be standing in the mall vetoing potential “grad” outfits. In the meantime, I’ve been paying a lot of attention to the girl dynamics, friendship groups, and cliques that are becoming a more visible part of my daughter’s life. I know that many changes are ahead.  She has had the privilege of having a consistent, reliable, local friendship group for many years but everything will be different next fall.

My friends talk about the girl drama that goes on among their daughter’s friends. Who is “in” or “out” seems to change week to week and parents find their daughter coming home in tears over some real or imagined exclusion that may not be easily resolved.

Most of us experienced the power and complexity of cliques in middle school or high school but it can be shocking to watch these same dramas unfolding for much younger girls today. Social networking also adds another layer to experiences of inclusion and exclusion.  

Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography
 Creative Common License

Acceptance by a group is important to everyone, but some degree of exclusion is also normal at times; it is critical that children develop resilience and ways to cope with these exclusions . How girls handle these shifting group dynamics can be influenced by parents and other trusted adults. 
                                  
No matter how many friends she has, there will be a birthday party she is not invited to or a day when she feels all alone at school. I prepared some tips a few years back for my Dove Self-Esteem Fund Ask Lisa Column… and they feel more timely than ever to me now so I’ve adapted and added to them here.
 

Tips to help her cope with exclusion

• Acknowledge her sadness, disappointment and feelings of loss. Her feelings matter and her peer group is not a trivial part of her life.. some days it may feel like the most important part.  
• Explain that friendships ebb and flow over time and that occasional rejection is a normal part of life. Perhaps you can share stories of friendships that changed for you over time. 
• Help her notice her own growth and changing interests.  When kids are little they play with who is there... friends are whoever sits near them in the classroom, or the child next door.  However, as they grow they began to develop their own interests and attractions to specific personalities.  Just as some of her old friends may be making different friendship choices today, she too likely has been drawn to new people and that is a normal part of development that she may need help to recognize and appreciate.  
• Exclusion from an event may have no meanness or ill intent attached to it... kids are generally given limits for numbers of friends to include or are starting to pay more attention to the group dynamic as a whole and issuing invitations that take that in to account rather than inviting everyone they think of as a friend.  Help your daughter remember when she had to make similar tough choices. 
• If she is left out of a birthday party or other big group activity, help her make her own fun with a different friend who is also not included. This is an important act of self-care and helps her develop a coping skill for the future.  She certainly doesn't have to stay home alone feeling like she is missing out!
• Diversify her friendship groups. This can offer a safety net so that one group is not “all or nothing” in her world. Her sense of belonging will increase through friendships formed at camps, church,  school clubs, sports teams or through her other interests such as Girl Guides or a local knitting or biking club. 
• Teach your child to be a self-esteem role model. If she demonstrates empathy, respect and loyalty she may influence the dynamics of her social group. 
• Be a good role model yourself. Gossip and put-downs are just as harmful when you're an adult, and children learn what is acceptable by observing your relationships with others.  They also notice if you know how to have fun on your own and can choose widely from different friends with different interests. 
• If cliques or exclusion are a serious problem, become an advocate and work with other families and school personnel to initiate solutions.

Who Are Her Role Models?

Contemporary pop culture is enthralled with generic celebrity. While there are many people who achieve commercial success through talent, hard work and investing their time and energy, there also seems to be an entire generation of young women who are famous because of who she is related to or because her face or name was branded at a very young age and she is now a product to be sold for as long as her handlers can do so.

Little girls are emulating these interchangeable celebrities at younger ages and assuming their own adult lives will be filled with designer handbags and a welcome entourage of paparazzi. Girls tend to look up to other young (celebrity) girls as a way of figuring out who they will be and what they want to emulate as they grow. 

I don’t think that all of these role model choices are bad ones.  When my guitar playing daughter looks to musicians for inspiration – I like to point out the women that write their own music and are famous for their skill and dedication to their craft rather than because of their notoriety in the press.

However, this is not just about admiring someone from afar, it has become so common today to hear that a girl’s goal for her life focus on fame, celebrity and the hopes of a performing or modeling career.   I think that many of us want to encourage more practical pursuits without crushing our children’s dreams.  

Here are some tips on how to do that:

• Discuss what it might cost some young celebrities to grow up in the public eye. Point out your daughters cherished private moments: a restaurant lunch with a parent, a swim in a public lake, or reading her book in a backyard hammock. Help her to imagine how few private moments a young celebrity has and how she might struggle with the lies and sensationalized stories that are created to sell magazines, movies and products.

• Celebrity careers are so visible and appear fabulously exciting. According to the  Geena Davis Institute on Media and Gender,  in research looking at all G-rated family films between 2006-2009,  NOT ONE female character was working in the field of medical science, in law, politics or as a business leader.  In fact, of all characters shown to be working or in careers at all, over 80% of them were male.  So clearly, film is not where girls will find ideas for their own careers. Parents can attempt to balance that by making other career options viable and exciting as well. Spend time talking about who you consider to be real heroes. This might be someone who builds schools for girls in developing countries or someone who started an animal rescue organization. Talk about the work that your female friends do and highlight their successes. Be sure to talk proudly of your own work or education, because you are still her most relevant role model.

• If your daughter wants to pursue acting, dancing or other ways of performing - encourage her participation because these talents and varied experiences will help her build confidence and skills that will be useful in many areas.  If her talent is truly promising, remind her that local productions or teaching in these areas are also worthwhile pursuits. Over time, if she truly loves her craft, she will be motivated by her passion more than her quest for fame and wealth.

I’ve been thinking about this idea of role models for a while – thinking how lucky my daughter is to have many strong women around her but how we still have to make a point of showing that our work, passions and choices about family and lifestyle are interesting and ultimately satisfying – at least as much as the celebrities she has her eye on. 

Because my daughter is interested in science, math and leadership I am especially excited by Dove’s® most recent initiative and have signed up to participate. The event is called Women Who Should be Famous, and it takes place on Tuesday, June 26, 2012 at 7pm EST at www.facebook.com/dove  It is a free live-streamed event. Any Canadian with a Facebook account and access to a computer can register on Dove’s® page and is encouraged to participate along with a girl in her life. During the hour-long event the stories of four inspirational women in the fields of science, leadership, environmentalism and the arts will be highlighted. The goal is to “shine the spotlight on the stories of strong role models for the next generation of women.”

Tween Girl Style

So far I've been more of a gentle blogger than an angry blogger... but tonight I am feeling the rage.  While on facebook, I noticed a new ad to the side of the page. It was for Tween Girl Style Magazine. A little curious and a little apprehensive... I clicked. After all, I am the mother of a so-called "tween". Although, this is a term I have always refused to use because it was created by marketing companies in order to identify a new and lucrative market for advertising. A "tween" is generally used to refer to a girl who marketers are no longer trying to sell childhood toys to and who they don't yet consider to be part of the teen market. 


I don't mind referring to my daughter as a "pre-teen" sometimes, now that she is eleven years old and four inches taller than I am. But until recently I held firmly on to "child" as a perfectly appropriate and reasonable descriptor for this developing person who had only been on the planet a decade and still had a whole lot of emotional, physical and psychological growing to do. Incidentally "tween" is neither a psychological or physical developmental term. Marketers may use it to describe a 6 year old or a 12 year old depending on what they are out to sell. 

In this case, they are selling fashion, celebrity and "cool". From the looks of it they are also selling the modelling industry and promoting specific agents. The target market of the Tween Girl Style Magazine is ages 7-13. The tag line is "they are too old for Dora but too young for 'Days of Our Lives'." These are the choices? So this magazine has seen fit to fill the years between learning to read and getting her first period - with modelling contests, celebrity news and fashion advice. They refer to this span of six critical years in girls' development as a time that they are "left in limbo... searching for a style of their own". 


I think many girls in this age bracket are very much left in limbo and searching... but what they are searching for is not "style" but rather identity and a sense of safety in their own skin as they attempt to negotiate an increasingly sexualized world that depletes their self-esteem and confidence while distorting their body image long before they reach their teen years. As psychologists Sharon Lamb and Lyn Mikel Brown discuss in their 2006 book, Packaging Girlhood, that "girls are being sold a version of girlhood that will feel satisfying to them when they conform to it but will limit their possibilities in the future."  The script for North American girlhood is reinforced through TV shows, books, movies and clothing lines and now a special tween girl fashion magazine. The message to girls is that they must love to shop - especially for jewelry and accessories; they must yearn to be models, brides, princesses and fashionistas and they must work hard to be hot, sexy and cool. This cultural script for girlhood literally shapes the development of our daughters. 

healthy "tweens" having a real childhood

What are we doing about that? I think it is increasingly challenging for parents to navigate the culture as well. When we go to the mall and see thongs and padded bras for 10 year olds, when the most frequently available choice for a little girl's swim suit is a string bikini and when we turn on the news and learn that the "latest trend" is for pre teen girls to get their brand new leg, underarm and pubic hair waxed off before summer camp... how are we as parents to know where to draw the line? It can be overwhelming and often it is parents who take the blame for poor choices. 


 I'd like to have a dialogue here -- please tell me how YOU navigate the cultural pitfalls while trying to raise healthy daughters. 


 And while we are talking - I'd like to know - how did you spend those important years? You know, that apparently empty wasteland that we used to call childhood?  I remember that I wrote plays and stories.  My best friend and I made up an endless game called "Bank" in which we took turns (for years, I might add) of creating new and diverse and sometimes completely crazy characters who came in to do their banking. I swam and played tag and played with my dog. I sunk a bazillion baskets with my brother behind the garage. I chatted with my grandma in the garden. I watched my grandpa fix stuff. My mom taught me to cook and my sister took me to a few protest marches while teaching me some critical thinking. I took skating lessons and went to camp and once I took square dancing lessons with my step dad after my mom broke her ankle. Sometimes I was coerced into practising the piano. I went to school and I tried to imagine who I would be when I grew up. And for sure there were times I did wish that I was prettier and wonder what it was like to be the girl in the magazine that Shaun Cassidy had his arm around... but mostly I just got to grow up and find my way without string bikinis and padded bras and body waxings... without the pressure to look cool and be hot.  Wow. Does it get more complicated than THAT for an 9 year old?!

Life got hard for me too... adolescence was painfully complicated for a while but I made it to high school before I was faced with the onslaught of pressure that our girls are facing today, sometimes before they make it out of first grade. What are you doing with your girls to help mitigate the mental and emotional land mines that are around every corner and to help her enjoy a healthy childhood? Let's generate some positive ideas here so that we, as parents, can help each other to resist and create safer spaces in which our girls can grow. 

Girls, Sports and Self-Esteem (part 1)

I’ve been thinking a great deal about the topics of girls, sports and self-esteem and how these things intersect.   I’m interested in exploring how parents can best support girls in sport and the upside of sport: increased self-esteem, healthier body image, preventing depression and anxiety.  But I also want to challenge the downside and talk about what parents should do when sports may be contributing to unhealthy body image or increasing risk for an eating disorder.   Too much to say in one post – so this is going to be a series!

I thought I would start with a lengthy and deeply personal disclaimer:

I have never actually played on a sports team outside of gym class in elementary school.  In fact I grew up pretty much believing that there were people who were built to do sports and people who weren’t.   Mostly this was a split down gender lines but even among my girlhood friends there were a few that just seemed to be meant to run around a track or spike a volleyball over a net.  

This was the 70’s and happily sport has become much more accessible to girls in the decades since.  However this was not just an accessibility issue in terms of funding for girls sports teams or the fact that I lived in a rural part of the country with fewer options.  It was also about issues like exclusion and body image.   You’ve all heard the story from women before me… I was the kid picked last for every team even in gym class.   I never seemed to have that kinesthetic learning link between brain and limb that seemed so natural for other kids and I was more than a little afraid of getting a volleyball or baseball in the face.  

Gym class at my elementary school involved rotating through the same activities year after year.  In winter we played volleyball, basketball and did gymnastics. In spring we played soccer and baseball and had a track meet.   Most of those classes were dedicated to lining up, choosing our teams and heading out to play.  I don’t recall being taught skills or having the sport broken down to small manageable parts in order to understand it.  There was never a time that our gym teacher, Mr. M., separated the athletes from those of us that were struggling to understand the sport and took us off to do some teaching and learning.  He clearly favored the kids who already knew what they were doing. In retrospect I realize he was re-living his own boyish athletic fantasies through how he teamed up with the cool talented kids and bullied the rest of us. I learned to stay out of the way and to pretend I didn't care.  

I wasn’t a sedentary child.  I had to cross a huge field to get to my best friend’s house and I happily ran the whole way as often as I was allowed to.  We had a back yard pool and I swam like a fish from the day the cover came off in spring until the day it went back on in late fall.  I ran around with my dog, rode a bike, pulled weeds & picked beans in the garden, skated on a pond and took every chance I had to camp and paddle a canoe.   I even got pretty good at shooting baskets because we had a hoop beside the garage; I had good aim and a competitive younger brother which led to endless games of “21”.

However I learned early on that the world was divided into those who could play sports and those who could not.  Gym classes were almost always a source of shame and something just to be tolerated. There was an exception.  In sixth grade, I was getting taller and stronger and suddenly developed an interest in basketball.  Shooting hoops had paid off.  I saw myself as having potential. I even dreamed of going out for the girls basketball team the following year although I was almost embarrassed to think it could be possible. 

And then came the grade six “basketball-a-thon”…  24 hours of hanging out at school, playing basketball with intermittent sleep and meal breaks… all to raise money for our class trip to Niagara Falls.    I had a blast and for the first time in my life I successfully took the ball away from another girl.  Except instead of being allowed to feel pride that I had finally figured out how this game worked, I was humiliated by Mr. M. He yelled at me for being too aggressive and not giving the other girl a chance with the ball.   My first proud sporty moment was quickly forgotten. Just to seal the deal…  I was given some feedback that guaranteed I wouldn’t take another chance like that again.  I was at a birthday party and birthday girl’s dad tried to remember where we had met.  I mentioned seeing him at the basketball-a-thon. He responded:  “Oh I do remember you.  I saw you play.  You weren’t very good.”     It is 34 years later and I still feel the sting of that remark.  Those were the words and the voice that replayed in my brain for years whenever I even considered joining in a spontaneous game of any kind.  

Physical Education was only an elective course when I entered my Ontario high school in 1979.  I never signed up.   As my high school years progressed I was shocked to find out that that the girls went sailing and took dance lessons – that it was not all volleyball and soccer.    Regardless, I made it through four years of high school without a single Phys Ed class and never once had to risk being part of a team or a sport of any kind.   My body image was also dangerously poor during these years. Body image is as much about how one feels in their body as how they feel about their appearance.  I can’t help but wonder if I had learned some skills, learned to feel confidence and take pleasure in what my body could do, if I would have been less preoccupied with how I looked.

Earlier in my career when I was more involved in eating disorder prevention work and I delivered body image workshops, I advocated for different levels of Phys Ed class.  If kids can do different levels of math based on their future career plans, why are there not Phys Ed classes for athletes and separate ones for kids who just need to learn basic skills, build endurance, take a few safe risks and learn to love moving their bodies?   I also believe that kids who aren’t the natural athletes and don’t play on teams should be learning movement that can stay with them for a lifetime… activities like yoga, walking, or belly dance.  I was well in to my adult life before I discovered that all the things I loved to do most - canoeing, camping, and swimming – counted as sport but had just never been presented to me that way.

So back to my disclaimer… I was the girl who didn’t play sports. I stopped trying because I didn’t want to be shamed again.   I had been told clearly…  I wasn’t any good. It never occurred to me that being “good” wasn’t the only reason to play.  I set aside the fact that I had been having fun, getting stronger, learning something new and enjoying the teamwork.    So my disclaimer is that I know first hand that sports can be a source of shame, a source of exclusion and confusion.  I really know nothing about what it is to be a girl who plays sports – but I know everything about how being excluded from sports can negatively impact self-esteem and body image.  

Several studies have shown that a critical transition time for both boys and girls is the year they move from grade school to junior high or middle school.  However, the same studies show that girl’s self-esteem declines three times as often as it does for boys during these transition years.  In Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, psychologist Mary Piper says that in early adolescence, "girls' lose their resiliency and optimism and become less curious and inclined to take risks" and they lose, "their assertive, energetic and 'tomboyish' personalities" as they, "become more deferential, self-critical and depressed".  It is not surprising then that a study by the Women’s Sports Foundation (1998) showed that during those same years, girls drop out of sports six times more often than boys do.

Future posts in this series will focus on the evidence of why sport is good for girls and how we can keep them connected to their bodies in adolescence. 

8 Tips for Nurturing Your Own Self-Esteem

Self-esteem begins in childhood.  We learn that we are worthy and how to love ourselves through the actions and the words of those around us.  Early self-esteem theory, developed by psychologist Charles Cooley 110 years ago, places this responsibility squarely on the shoulders of parents.  I  believe that, today, the influences come from everywhere.  

Children are exposed to media messaging at a very young age.  Gender-expression expectations are presented early and often in every clothing and toy store and by almost every television show and commercial. Numerous caregivers and other external influences are a part of our children’s lives from a very young age.

Healthy self-esteem depends on getting consistent messages that one is worthy, capable and loveable.  This includes being allowed to be who we inherently are… regardless of gender expression, sexual orientation, introversion or extroversion, being bookish or sporty... without judgment or shaming.  

Self-esteem flourishes when we are taught skills to cope with life’s everyday problems like conflict and communication or we know how to express our emotions effectively.   We need to be able to try things out and to make mistakes as an opportunity for growth. 

When parents or teachers correct a child,  they point out the mistake and support him to make a better choice or try a different tactic next time.  Ideally we don’t shame him for trying or for getting it wrong; children should learn that that everyone makes mistakes but is still worthy of love and appreciation.

As adults we have to take that responsibility on for ourselves.  If we didn’t get what we needed in the past – it is not too late to give it to ourselves today.

Here are some tips to get started:

• Find a picture of yourself as a child and write that child a letter.  What did she or he need to hear?  Can you give her those messages today?  Post the picture somewhere to remind you that the child inside needs ongoing nurturing.
• Notice your self-talk.  Is it unkind or untrue?  Do you use words like “stupid” “ugly” or “loser” in your daily dialogue with yourself? .  Practice interrupting your negative self-talk and replacing it with something gentler. Begin to speak with kindness as if you were someone you loved.  
• Seek counselling or a support group to learn more about self-esteem and why you may be struggling with yours.  If you have a history of trauma or abuse, you can not heal your broken sense of self alone and you deserve the help of a caring professional.  
• Let go of perfectionism.  Striving to be perfect makes us lonely and adds unnecessary stress to daily life.   When you need to be perfect it is awfully hard to try something new and is likely to lead to procrastination or constant dissatisfaction no matter how hard you work at something.   I recommend reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
• Make a list of things you are reasonably good at.  It can include skills like fixing your bike, ironing a pair of pants or presenting a legal brief. It might include being a supportive friend, a witty conversationalist or a generous volunteer.   Start with 10 things you are reasonably good at and try to add a few things each week to your list. 
•   Stop filtering out the positive and only hearing  the negative.  A close friend of mine calls this her “amnesia for success”.  At one time she could rattle off a list of her mistakes, disappointments and paths not taken but she was hard pressed to tell you any of her amazing achievements or recognize their value next to the achievements of someone else.   If you complete a project at work and you have two negative critiques and eight positive ones, do you go home and dwell on the negative? Do you find yourself going over and over what you should have done differently?   Do you manage to convince yourself that your project failed and that everyone knows it?  It is time to give fair and equal airtime to the positive feedback and instead of getting hung up in self-doubt, use the gift of the negative feedback to improve your work next time.   Consider keeping a running list of every compliment or positive feedback you are given. 
• Pursue new interests and passions.  What used to rock your world when you were a kid?  What might your passion be today? If you could add one thing to your life what would it be? As adults we cite time constraints, responsibilities, money and many other blocks to the idea of pursuing what we love. I am not suggesting you quit your day job to follow your dream but simply start building in an hour or two a week doing something that engages you at the core and makes you truly happy  
• Keep a gratitude journal (with a nod to Oprah who I think originally came up with this idea).  It works for me!   Jot down a few things each day that you are grateful for in your life – big things and little ones.  Your list might include café lattes, a trustworthy hairstylist, the good health of your children,  mobility, the internet, your best friend, a movie that made you laugh out loud.  Be sure to include things about yourself on the list.  I am grateful for my ability to support a friend in crisis, my welcoming smile, big feet, and my optimistic nature.   While cultivating a daily attitude of gratitude it is harder to find time for negative thoughts and you may begin to see your worth in a new light. 

10 Tips for Fostering Girl's Self-Esteem

• Let her know that her opinions count and that she is valued for her contributions to family, school, and community.
• Praise her efforts, achievements, and perseverance more often than her appearance.
• Encourage communication, decision-making, and problem-solving skills; these equip her with genuine solutions to life’s challenges.
• Prepare her for normal growth spurts in height and weight during puberty.
• Explain that we don’t have infinite control over our bodies, which resist manipulation through dieting and over exercising.
• Promote positive female friendships; discourage competition or comparisons based on weight or appearance.
• Encourage her to diversify friendships so she is better prepared to weather the normal ebb and flow in relationships
• Increase responsibilities such as volunteering, dog walking, or independent financial decisions in order to foster self-worth.
• Consume media together and teach her to question what she reads, views, and hears.
• Point out the strengths and the beauty of women of all sizes and diverse appearances.

These tips originally appeared in print in Alive Magazine (July, 2008)  as part of a longer article I wrote titled Moms Matter Most for Self-Esteem

Suggested reading:
(I've linked to amazon.ca for ease and book description but I encourage you to shop at your local independent book store!)

• I Want Your Moo: A Story for Children About Self-Esteem (ages 4-8)
• Being Me: A Kid's Guide to Boosting Confidence and Self-Esteem  (ages8-12)
• 101 Ways To Help Your Daughter Love Her Body 
• Girls On Track: A Parent's Guide to Inspiring Our Daughters to Achieve a Lifetime of Self-Esteem and Respect 
• Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls

Self-Esteem Defined

Self-esteem may seem like an overused buzzword today.  Various social problems are blamed on “too much self esteem” as if liking one’s self is the same as an attitude of entitlement or something closer to narcissism.  I think self-esteem is simply the ability to respect and appreciate one’s self; sadly too many people are walking around without that ability and it has devastating consequences.   Self-esteem is essential for good mental health. 

Psychologist and author Glenn Schiraldi demonstrates in The Self-Esteem Workbook that self-esteem is as a healthy mindset situated between self-defeating shame and self-defeating pride.

He explains that those who experience self-defeating pride think they are better and more important than others as a person. Self-defeating shame on the other hand means believing you are less valuable than others.  Both types of people have an unrealistic view of their core worth that is rooted in insecurity; both types also view others in a comparative and competitive way. Someone always has to be on top and someone has to be below. 

Those with self-esteem believe they are neither more or less worthy than others.  They recognize they have faults but like themselves anyway.  They see themselves as capable and can learn from their mistakes.  This doesn't mean a lack of healthy competition such as in a soccer game or a class debate - but it does mean that the winner and loser don't tie their sense of self-worth to the outcomes of those events. 

I appreciate the often repeated Gloria Steinem quote  “Self-Esteem isn’t everything; it’s just that there is nothing without it”.    Without self-esteem, we are more susceptible to substance abuse, remaining in an unhealthy relationship, inflicting abuse on others, eating disorders, poor communication patterns (aggressiveness, defensiveness, criticism of others), dependency, loneliness, anxiety and depression.   I’ve noticed that even the most seemingly successful people - those who are held in high esteem by others because of their accomplishments, their skill or even their beauty are still not capable of happiness or enjoying their own successes when they don’t have self-esteem.

I’ve facilitated dozens of self-esteem workshops with girls.  Girls tell me that when they feel more confident, strong and valuable to themselves; they are better able to stand up to people who put them down; they are more likely to value qualities outside their physical appearance; and they are likely to make better decisions about things like smoking, drugs or sex.   Girls with self-esteem tend to be more willing to take healthy and appropriate risks to experience things outside their comfort zone, but are also more likely to ask for help when they need it.

Although early childhood has a strong influence on self-esteem, it also develops and evolves throughout our lives. Self-esteem is a learned trait; everyone can learn skills to strengthen and enhance it. 

            come back tomorrow for my 10 Tips for Fostering Girl’s Self-Esteem

Welcome to my blog!

I am passionate about raising strong empowered girls and creating a body-accepting, more loving culture that is healthier for all genders. I've been engaged with girls as a counsellor, health educator, group facilitator, parent, community volunteer and friend for well over two decades. Before that, I was a girl.  I  expect my posts will be gentle at times... encouraging self-care and practicing kindness with ourselves and others. I also expect my posts will be angry at times as I use this opportunity to critique the onslaught of damaging messages that girls and women face in our culture. I also hope to draw on ideas that myself and other parents are trying out, in order to raise our kids in a healthy way in this new media age. I may post about mornings volunteering at a food bank or evenings spent cheering on girls softball. I expect to share the heartache that I feel when girls I care about struggle with tough issues. I may share about my work as an eating disorder counsellor or encourage you to sign a petition when an advertiser sexually exploits children to sell a product. Think of this as idea-soup. A bowl of rich meaty ideas, complimented with a subtle broth, chunky vitamin laden vegetables (they are good for you!)  and a whole lot of spice.

In my role as a self-esteem expert for the Dove Self-Esteem Fund, I wrote a number of editorials & blog posts for the Dove channel on MSN.ca a couple of years ago.  This site is no longer available so I plan to  repost some of my favourites here.

I'm excited about this new endeavour and look forward to meeting readers, sharing ideas and sparking a self-esteem revolution!