Pre-teens, Cell Phones & Planning for Success

I’ve been away from blogging for a few months.  While trying to figure out my priorities and better balance work,  family and leisure time,  I've been  wondering where blogging fits in.  Maybe it is the sheer volume of blogs in my own Facebook & Twitter feed but I sometimes think there are just too many blogs in the world!  Then I started questioning if  I really have anything fresh and original to say about anything.  Is there really one more thing to be written about the VMA's?

No,  probably not… but I enjoy the process of writing and it helps me to work through some of the parenting challenges I face every day.   So I’m giving this another shot.  Despite Miley and her recent soul-sucking performance and many other more important world issues, today I'm blogging about the three things dominating the conversations at my house this week:  new school, city buses and cell phones.

Next week my daughter heads off to a new school – taking three city buses each way.  It is actually a short drive but a crazy bus route in a city that has two rivers running through it and a transit system that was poorly designed.    These two facts (new school, city buses) have led us to get her a cell phone.   I’m the parent who always answered that particular plea with “when you are at least 16 and you make enough money to pay the bill”.    And then this summer we stepped back and said .." uh oh ... maybe we need her to have a cell phone..."   I haven’t spotted a single phone booth on that school route.  There are going to be missed connections.  Sometimes the temps reach -40C in the winter.  There will  be after school clubs and the need to find a way to pick her up after special events.   How will we manage to stay in touch without a cell phone?

Some of my readers will be rolling your eyes at my worries... your kids were sporting iPhones in second grade.  You may be thinking I worry too much or am just out of touch with youth culture.   And I’m going to guess that if you are judging me harshly that you probably didn’t grow up with a rotary dial phone that shared a phone line with your grandparents house next door! (Really... I knew that it was possible that Grandma could be listening in on every word!)

Photo Credit: Christopher Brown

Why would we be worried?   Recently a friend found “sexting” messages on her 13 year old daughter’s phone.  Another friend has a child whose ADHD and impulse control issues have been wildly exacerbated  over the years by her need to respond to every message the instant it arrives.  Families have faced hundreds of dollars in unexpected cell phone charges and one girl I know has plunged into both a  swimming pool and a hot tub while holding her cell phone – on two separate occasions.   Then there is the whole, well documented, issue of kids being incredibly short on sleep in this generation...  attributed primarily to computers and cell phones in their bedroom.

Our parental “need” to be in contact ultimately overruled the worries so I thought I would share a bit about the approach we took in order to make this a successful experience.

My daughter came to the store so that she could be a part of the process and see that signing a contract is serious business (and that there is more to owning a cell phone than friends, photos and hot pink phone cases!)   While we opted not to have a data plan at this time we opted in to an unlimited text plan.   It may be inconceivable to me that some teenagers send several thousand a month...  but I've seen the sticker shock on parent's faces who made the mistake of a limited text plan and then received the first bill.

At home we have a contract of our own.  It is two pages long and outlines her responsibilities as well as ours.  These agreements will be different for each family but I recommend putting something down on paper and being very clear who actually owns the phone (we do!) and who sets the boundaries for it’s use (we do!).   We have limits around time of day it can be used and it will never ever stay in her bedroom when it is time for lights out.  She is responsible to keep it charged and be available to us when we want to reach her. 

We've also been working on communication skills and what is appropriate to say or share on one's phone.  This includes actually practicing with us how to politely exit a difficult conversation.  She has been learning to take a deep breath and wait until seeing that friend “in person” before responding to what may have felt like a hurtful remark or insult.    We’ve discussed what kinds of photos are okay to take and send and what ones can ruin your life or that of someone else.   

She is also being billed by us once a month for a portion of her cell phone fees.  We hope that this will begin to teach her about those kinds of financial responsibilities and to treat her property with respect.

Am I still worried?   Yes but I’ve begun to see this like the bus route to her new school...  it is simply a new path to navigate.   Just as we have practiced the route, learned where to cross the roads and get the next connection and how to ask for help if needed …  we are also teaching her how to navigate in a world that is more and more dominated by texting and instant messaging.   This is one more growing-up path to navigate and hopefully we’ve provided the right map to help her do it safely and without too many bumps along the way.

International No Diet Day

I am on a short family trip to celebrate my mom's 90th birthday and enjoying the love and company of a huge extended family and friends. Needless to say .. there has been food. Luscious spinach salad, sweet fresh fruit, perfectly roasted chicken, rich creamy pasta. Delicious food is often a very special part of family celebrations - no matter one's culture.  I am grateful for what we have shared together over the past few days.

I woke up this morning happy to satisfy my craving for hot coffee laced with real cream (while blessing the family we were staying with for having real cream in their fridge!) and toasted homemade multi grain bread with nut butter and sliced bananas. Then I remembered that today is International No Diet Day. And I was grateful, once again, for having ditched dieting years ago and learning to pay attention to my hunger and fullness cues as well as learning what the body really needs to function at its best.  I am grateful to live in a country where I can choose to satisfy a craving for something sweet with fresh berries even in the middle of winter. Grateful to trust my body to take care of me if I nourish myself well with a wide variety of foods, enough sleep and joyful activity. 

In honour of International No Diet Day (INDD) I am sharing a blog post I wrote last year as a guest writer for the  National Eating Disorder Information Centre blog.  I hope this offers something for you and I encourage you to visit the NEDIC blog as well for many other thoughtful articles about food, bodies and health.  

International No Diet Day

 
I recently spotted a greeting card that said “I’m on two diets. There is simply not enough food on one”. Within the humorous message resides a very real truth… dieting means never eating enough. No matter how many new, creative ways that diets are re-packaged and marketed, the point is always to restrict nutritional intake and energy below what the body actually needs to sustain itself. While the multi-billion dollar diet industry promises a better body, better health and indeed a better life we now know that long term weight loss is not achievable for the vast majority of people. Dieting can lead to the development of an eating disorder and even when it doesn’t, dieting teaches us not to trust ourselves and keeps us in constant conflict with food and our bodies.

International No Diet Day  was first celebrated 20 years ago. It was sparked by the passion and frustration of Mary Evans Young, who had recovered from anorexia. She is the founder of a UK organization called Diet Breakers and is the author of Diet Breaking: Having It All Without Having to Diet. 

To learn more about the history and goals of INDD see NEDIC’s article here: http://www.nedic.ca/knowthefacts/preventionhealth.shtml#indd

My healthy and peaceful relationship with food and body started when I declared a no-diet life. If this idea is new to you, here is an opportunity to practice this new way of living for just one day.

Ten ways to celebrate International No Diet Day

• Be mindful of your body’s hunger and fullness cues today. Enjoy tastes, textures and smells. Take pleasure in what you choose to eat. 
• Practice self-care. We experience our bodies differently when we take care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
• Make a list of things you like about yourself – considering your appearance, strength, achievements, skills and personality. Read it over as often as you can.
• Send cards or emails to several friends or family members and let them know what you love and admire about them.
• Take a critical look at every diet ad you see today. Read the fine print and take note of misleading images and words.
• If the lunch time conversation at work focuses on dieting or weight, educate your coworkers about INDD. Better yet, ditch the diet talk all together … take your lunch to a park or treat yourself to a delicious meal in a local café.
• Take your life off of hold; whatever you are waiting to do once you have lost weight – do it now. Use the money you would have spent on diet products. Get a haircut. Go swimming. Sign up for an art class or walking club. Start a vacation savings account.
• De-clutter your book shelf. Today is the day to toss your weight loss magazines and diet books into a recycling bin.
• Educate yourself on the myths about dieting, weight and health. A good place to start is the Association for Size Diversity and Health http://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/ 
• Reach out for help if you are preoccupied with dieting and weight loss; you may need professional support if you have used exercise, food restriction, or compulsive eating to cope with difficult emotions or other problems. Dieting is not the answer. A compassionate counsellor or support group can help you heal and learn more effective coping strategies.

The Facebook Decision

Recently our almost-12-year-old presented us with a beautifully written entreaty on why we should let her get a Facebook (FB) account. This isn’t the first time it has been discussed in our house but it was the first time that we were ready to take the request seriously. In the past we have said "not until high school," which is still a couple of years away.  This time we were ready to negotiate.  In part because of her well thought out discussion points and partly because of the kid she is.  Thus far she has stayed out of the girl drama that goes on with this age group. She has been responsible with email and  understands some of the risks that exist in cyberspace. Just this year many of her friends have started accounts and right now she is worried about maintaining contact when she changes schools in a few months time. 

While I had a mental list of pros and cons, I still took to the internet to get an idea of just how other parents were making this decision and what factors were being considered.  I found many excellent tips on internet safety and helping your kids be smarter about social networking but I found nothing about making that initial tough decision to set up a FB account for you child.  For that reason, I am sharing our experience and decision. 

Why we wanted to say yes: 

• Social networking is a fun, everyday part of her parent's lives.
• FB presents opportunities for connection with relatives and friends who are far away. Many of our friends and family have accounts including my daughter’s 90 year old grandmother. 
• It makes it easy to share political ideas, news and humour with each other. 
• I already post family pictures visible only to my (carefully chosen) FB friends. I've gotten over any angst I had a decade ago about sharing photos or personal information to a limited online audience. 
• My daughter belongs to several respectable organizations that have their own FB pages including girl guides and youth group. 

Why we thought we should say no: 

• Her social skills, including conflict resolution and problem solving, are still young and developing. These are skills that we want to see greatly strengthened before unleashing her in the wilds of social networking. 
• She could become a victim of cyber bullying. Realistically she could also become a perpetrator. She is a well-intended kid but we can’t trust that she will always know how to handle herself when emotions get heated or someone zings her first. 

The decision finally came down to her age. 

All of those pros and cons will still need to be considered after she turns 13.  But for now, FB rules explicitly state that you must be 13 years or older to have an account. In fact, they provide direction on how to delete your under-age child's account or how to report an account of someone under 13.

I’m not a rule follower by nature.. more of a rule challenger actually. However as a parent I have always tried to take the approach that if we don’t think the rule is a good one or a fair one… then we need to challenge it through the appropriate channels, not just break it.

For several years now I have grappled with the idea that kids have to lie about their age to get a FB account before the age of 13. Often it is their parents lying as they help them to sign up. I’ve assumed though that those parents have rationalized that it is a stupid rule and who cares what Mark Zuckerberg thinks is appropriate anyway? Parents are in fact the expert on their own kids and should be able to decide if they think it is okay for their children to have an account. Right?

Yet I don't want my daughter to lie about her age.  Not now. Not when she is 16 and trying to buy beer. Not when she meets a cute older guy and wants him to think she is older too.

And yes, I was a teen and NEWSFLASH.... I lied sometimes! Probably about all of the above. No real harm came to me as a result. The vast majority of children won’t be harmed because they lied about their age to get a FB account. However, even when I lied as a teen… I was always secure in the knowledge that my parents would never have condoned it. There is safety in that boundary. While I hope I am raising a girl who will challenge injustice and advocate against rules that cause harm,   I don't want to be the parent who says it's okay just to ignore the rules and do what you want.

So I was grappling with this age rule.  I was curious about FB's rationale for not “allowing” children under 13 to have an account, at least in theory.  It is well known that as many as one third of FB accounts belonging to those 18 and younger actually belong to children under 13.

Here are a few recent stats from  Consumer Reports :

• Of the 20 million minors who actively used FB in the past year, 7.5 million—or more than one-third—were younger than 13.
• Among young users, more than 5 million were 10 and under, and their accounts were largely unsupervised by their parents.
• One million children were harassed, threatened, or subjected to other forms of cyber bullying on the site in the past year.  (2011)

So then I concluded… Mark Zukerberg actually doesn’t care. In fact, it is clear that FB actually wants kids on line yet wants to give the appearance that they are protecting children.  That is why they provide this safety information for parents  and these instructions for reporting underage accounts.

Digging deeper… I realized that the rule is in place because of the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act  (COPPA). This is a US law enforced by the Federal Trade Commission . COPPA is all about protecting children under 13 from specific advertising,  having their private information made public or accessible for exploitation by marketers.

According to this article written by Tim Banks in January 2013, Canada contains no equivalent to COPPA.  However, the Office of the Privacy Commissioner of Canada (OPC) seems to be developing some child privacy guidelines for advertisers and for websites that use tracking technologies. 

So what does all this mean for me, the parent?

I want laws to protect my child on line. I support COPPA and I am pleased to know that that on July 1, 2013 even further rules are coming into place that protect children's privacy.   I realized that letting my daughter have a FB account before she turns 13 essentially indicates that I  am willing to help advertisers gain direct access to her despite the laws in place to prevent that. Since I believe our children need more protections on line, not less, this approach made no sense to me.

It is important to know that:

• From a marketing perspective, FB wants your children to have accounts... and will target them with specific ads developed just for them.  You child under 13 will be have the privacy protections of any other minor between 13-17 but not the privacy protections developed for children younger than 13.
• Between the ages of 13-17 FB limits access to accounts in order to protect the privacy of minors
• Minors can not receive messages from strangers (unless they are “friends of friends”); unlike adult account holders, who can be messaged by anyone.
• Minors' photos and status updates are only visible to “friends” and “friends of friends” if they choose to make their accounts “public”. Their posts and pictures are not visible to anyone else.
• On the day that the account holder appears to turn 18 years old,  FB notifies the account holder that they are now considered an adult and their previous privacy restrictions will automatically change. Sounds good right?  But let’s imagine you set up a FB account for your 9 year old and you indicated that she was 13. Then on the day of her 14th birthday, FB will think she is 18. Everything on her page could become public and none of the safeguards in place to protect minors will apply to her account any longer. If she had previously allowed “friends of friends” to see her photos… those photos could be available to anyone in the world with a computer. She may not have the awareness to know she needs to change her settings or why that is important.

There are about a million big and little decisions we make as parents from the moment our kids are born or adopted into our lives. The Facebook Decision is just one and the answer that was right in our family may not be the right choice in yours, but I thought it might help to share some of the factors that we considered.

In the end, we didn't have to get in to a complicated explanation of privacy laws and ethics.  A few days after her proposal to us about FB... our daughter came home from school and shared that one of her classmates had her account "hacked" and a stranger had posted pornography on her pages. The same week there was a news report of a local 12-year-old girl facing criminal charges due to online bullying. Those incidents were enough to put the conversation at rest for a while.