Dear Phys Ed Teacher...

My daughter is one of dozens of new middle school students just experiencing their first taste of a big new world beyond the elementary schools in their community. For my daughter it is the very first time she has to "dress" for gym. She has been excited to learn new skills and try sports that weren't available at her previous school. I'm so happy for her that she is still confident in her body and in it's abilities.

I was excited to hear all about her first gym class today until this is what I heard…

She told me how glad she was that she wasn't the one who jokingly got called a "loser" more than once during the class. She is certain that the boy involved "didn't mind" and that he was maybe "encouraging it" but she was just as happy that it wasn't her that was at the receiving end of that nickname from the teacher.

Then she told me how glad she was that it wasn't her that the teacher pointed to as an example of "what not to wear" for gym class. That girl "turned bright red" and "seemed really embarrassed" because the teacher pointed out that her bra straps were showing and used her outfit as an example of what is not appropriate to wear.  Next the teacher told all the girls that "you can't have your boobs hanging out because it is a distraction for the boys."

I don't know if those were the precise words used since I wasn't in the room... but those were the words my daughter heard and brought home to her parents.  She also noticed another girl who was more developed than all the rest in the room, start tugging her T-shirt higher at the neckline and look uncomfortable with the attention that had just been placed on all the "boobs" in the room.

This is what we talked about at home that night:

• Sometimes bra straps show and it is not a crime or anything to be ashamed of. Showing them off shouldn't be the point of the outfit but if it happens - it isn't worth being stressed out over. 

• Girl's are never ever responsible for boy's thoughts or behaviours - no matter how they dress.

• Sometimes boys will be distracted by girls and sometimes girls will be distracted by boys.  Girl's bodies are not actually ever a "problem". 

• Some girls are much more developed than others and it can be really hard to feel like all anyone notices about you is your breasts. It must be especially hard to be the girl whose breasts were the centre of attention and referred to as a "distraction" in front of both boys and girls.

• Even if you hear an adult do it - it is never okay to call people losers or other demeaning names. 

Having worked as a counsellor with youth who often struggle with negative body image & self-esteem, I know that gym class is notorious for being a difficult experience for some kids. This is particularly true for those who don't feel skilled or athletic and those who feel uncomfortable in their bodies for a wide variety of reasons.

I'm certain that you want to make your classes body-friendly environments where girls and boys can have the confidence to try new things, take healthy risks in order to learn and grow and feel safe under your leadership. With that goal in mind, please consider addressing the subject of appropriate clothing for gym class in a different way.

Here are some suggestions:

• You could tell the kids that gym clothes should be comfortable, not too tight and allow room for moving and breathing freely.

• If you require their shorts to be a certain length or their neckline to reach a certain height - say so. You can do that without centering anyone out or telling anyone that his or her body is a problem in any way. 

• If you have genuine concern about a girl not being dressed appropriately by school dress code standards - please speak to her privately.  It is possible to do this in a gentle constructive way and use the opportunity to build your relationship with her; she may be a girl who needs a reliable adult to talk to at some point. 

• It would also be helpful to include your gym class dress code guidelines on the school supplies list that is provided to families weeks before school starts. Parents are still the ones supplying and/or approving the clothing worn by most 11 and 12 year old children.

• Finally, please don't call children losers - even as a "joke" - even if they are playing along. You are a role model and you have the awesome opportunity to work with kids in ways that build their self-esteem and create a positive learning environment for everyone. Make the most of it! 

Sincerely, a concerned mom.

Pre-teens, Cell Phones & Planning for Success

I’ve been away from blogging for a few months.  While trying to figure out my priorities and better balance work,  family and leisure time,  I've been  wondering where blogging fits in.  Maybe it is the sheer volume of blogs in my own Facebook & Twitter feed but I sometimes think there are just too many blogs in the world!  Then I started questioning if  I really have anything fresh and original to say about anything.  Is there really one more thing to be written about the VMA's?

No,  probably not… but I enjoy the process of writing and it helps me to work through some of the parenting challenges I face every day.   So I’m giving this another shot.  Despite Miley and her recent soul-sucking performance and many other more important world issues, today I'm blogging about the three things dominating the conversations at my house this week:  new school, city buses and cell phones.

Next week my daughter heads off to a new school – taking three city buses each way.  It is actually a short drive but a crazy bus route in a city that has two rivers running through it and a transit system that was poorly designed.    These two facts (new school, city buses) have led us to get her a cell phone.   I’m the parent who always answered that particular plea with “when you are at least 16 and you make enough money to pay the bill”.    And then this summer we stepped back and said .." uh oh ... maybe we need her to have a cell phone..."   I haven’t spotted a single phone booth on that school route.  There are going to be missed connections.  Sometimes the temps reach -40C in the winter.  There will  be after school clubs and the need to find a way to pick her up after special events.   How will we manage to stay in touch without a cell phone?

Some of my readers will be rolling your eyes at my worries... your kids were sporting iPhones in second grade.  You may be thinking I worry too much or am just out of touch with youth culture.   And I’m going to guess that if you are judging me harshly that you probably didn’t grow up with a rotary dial phone that shared a phone line with your grandparents house next door! (Really... I knew that it was possible that Grandma could be listening in on every word!)

Photo Credit: Christopher Brown

Why would we be worried?   Recently a friend found “sexting” messages on her 13 year old daughter’s phone.  Another friend has a child whose ADHD and impulse control issues have been wildly exacerbated  over the years by her need to respond to every message the instant it arrives.  Families have faced hundreds of dollars in unexpected cell phone charges and one girl I know has plunged into both a  swimming pool and a hot tub while holding her cell phone – on two separate occasions.   Then there is the whole, well documented, issue of kids being incredibly short on sleep in this generation...  attributed primarily to computers and cell phones in their bedroom.

Our parental “need” to be in contact ultimately overruled the worries so I thought I would share a bit about the approach we took in order to make this a successful experience.

My daughter came to the store so that she could be a part of the process and see that signing a contract is serious business (and that there is more to owning a cell phone than friends, photos and hot pink phone cases!)   While we opted not to have a data plan at this time we opted in to an unlimited text plan.   It may be inconceivable to me that some teenagers send several thousand a month...  but I've seen the sticker shock on parent's faces who made the mistake of a limited text plan and then received the first bill.

At home we have a contract of our own.  It is two pages long and outlines her responsibilities as well as ours.  These agreements will be different for each family but I recommend putting something down on paper and being very clear who actually owns the phone (we do!) and who sets the boundaries for it’s use (we do!).   We have limits around time of day it can be used and it will never ever stay in her bedroom when it is time for lights out.  She is responsible to keep it charged and be available to us when we want to reach her. 

We've also been working on communication skills and what is appropriate to say or share on one's phone.  This includes actually practicing with us how to politely exit a difficult conversation.  She has been learning to take a deep breath and wait until seeing that friend “in person” before responding to what may have felt like a hurtful remark or insult.    We’ve discussed what kinds of photos are okay to take and send and what ones can ruin your life or that of someone else.   

She is also being billed by us once a month for a portion of her cell phone fees.  We hope that this will begin to teach her about those kinds of financial responsibilities and to treat her property with respect.

Am I still worried?   Yes but I’ve begun to see this like the bus route to her new school...  it is simply a new path to navigate.   Just as we have practiced the route, learned where to cross the roads and get the next connection and how to ask for help if needed …  we are also teaching her how to navigate in a world that is more and more dominated by texting and instant messaging.   This is one more growing-up path to navigate and hopefully we’ve provided the right map to help her do it safely and without too many bumps along the way.

International No Diet Day

I am on a short family trip to celebrate my mom's 90th birthday and enjoying the love and company of a huge extended family and friends. Needless to say .. there has been food. Luscious spinach salad, sweet fresh fruit, perfectly roasted chicken, rich creamy pasta. Delicious food is often a very special part of family celebrations - no matter one's culture.  I am grateful for what we have shared together over the past few days.

I woke up this morning happy to satisfy my craving for hot coffee laced with real cream (while blessing the family we were staying with for having real cream in their fridge!) and toasted homemade multi grain bread with nut butter and sliced bananas. Then I remembered that today is International No Diet Day. And I was grateful, once again, for having ditched dieting years ago and learning to pay attention to my hunger and fullness cues as well as learning what the body really needs to function at its best.  I am grateful to live in a country where I can choose to satisfy a craving for something sweet with fresh berries even in the middle of winter. Grateful to trust my body to take care of me if I nourish myself well with a wide variety of foods, enough sleep and joyful activity. 

In honour of International No Diet Day (INDD) I am sharing a blog post I wrote last year as a guest writer for the  National Eating Disorder Information Centre blog.  I hope this offers something for you and I encourage you to visit the NEDIC blog as well for many other thoughtful articles about food, bodies and health.  

International No Diet Day

 
I recently spotted a greeting card that said “I’m on two diets. There is simply not enough food on one”. Within the humorous message resides a very real truth… dieting means never eating enough. No matter how many new, creative ways that diets are re-packaged and marketed, the point is always to restrict nutritional intake and energy below what the body actually needs to sustain itself. While the multi-billion dollar diet industry promises a better body, better health and indeed a better life we now know that long term weight loss is not achievable for the vast majority of people. Dieting can lead to the development of an eating disorder and even when it doesn’t, dieting teaches us not to trust ourselves and keeps us in constant conflict with food and our bodies.

International No Diet Day  was first celebrated 20 years ago. It was sparked by the passion and frustration of Mary Evans Young, who had recovered from anorexia. She is the founder of a UK organization called Diet Breakers and is the author of Diet Breaking: Having It All Without Having to Diet. 

To learn more about the history and goals of INDD see NEDIC’s article here: http://www.nedic.ca/knowthefacts/preventionhealth.shtml#indd

My healthy and peaceful relationship with food and body started when I declared a no-diet life. If this idea is new to you, here is an opportunity to practice this new way of living for just one day.

Ten ways to celebrate International No Diet Day

• Be mindful of your body’s hunger and fullness cues today. Enjoy tastes, textures and smells. Take pleasure in what you choose to eat. 
• Practice self-care. We experience our bodies differently when we take care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
• Make a list of things you like about yourself – considering your appearance, strength, achievements, skills and personality. Read it over as often as you can.
• Send cards or emails to several friends or family members and let them know what you love and admire about them.
• Take a critical look at every diet ad you see today. Read the fine print and take note of misleading images and words.
• If the lunch time conversation at work focuses on dieting or weight, educate your coworkers about INDD. Better yet, ditch the diet talk all together … take your lunch to a park or treat yourself to a delicious meal in a local café.
• Take your life off of hold; whatever you are waiting to do once you have lost weight – do it now. Use the money you would have spent on diet products. Get a haircut. Go swimming. Sign up for an art class or walking club. Start a vacation savings account.
• De-clutter your book shelf. Today is the day to toss your weight loss magazines and diet books into a recycling bin.
• Educate yourself on the myths about dieting, weight and health. A good place to start is the Association for Size Diversity and Health http://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/ 
• Reach out for help if you are preoccupied with dieting and weight loss; you may need professional support if you have used exercise, food restriction, or compulsive eating to cope with difficult emotions or other problems. Dieting is not the answer. A compassionate counsellor or support group can help you heal and learn more effective coping strategies.